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Love Has Nothing to Do With Being Wanted or Needed – That’s Insecurity

Uncovering Success Strategies – Success Strategy # 24

Know that love has nothing to do with being wanted or needed…that’s insecurity.” –  Joe Caruso

The ultimate relationship does not consist of two people who “need” each other. Whether between two lovers, a parent and a child or a teacher and a student, successful relationships are not and never will be based on need. Need is based in dependency. Dependency on anything other than yourself and your faith is unhealthy. The best thing anyone can do for someone they love is to strive for success and happiness in their own life and to encourage their partner or loved one to do the same. Show me a relationship that is based on need and I’ll show you a relationship that breeds and nurtures insecurity. And, as you know, insecurity is based on fear, and fear is the opposite of love. As insecure and fearful humans, we tend to find comfort in the feeling that someone needs us, or that someone will take care of us, but I must stress that this is an unhealthy basis for a relationship–for both parties.

The Problem With Need-Based Relationships

In need-based relationships, the goal becomes making sure that someone continues to need to be needed. In other words, the goal is to create dependency. Again, fear is the culprit. You see, in this type of relationship one person is feeling that if the other person didn’t need them, they wouldn’t be in the relationship with them. Also, one person is buying into the myth that if the other person weren’t taking care of them, they wouldn’t be able to take care of themselves. Isn’t this a playground for negative, insecure thoughts and feelings? These types of relationships are a breeding ground for insecurity and jealousy, which will eventually eat away at the fiber of the distant and vague notion of an unrealistic ideal. It’s important to let our loved ones know we will be there for them – to help them or provide tenderness, comfort and understanding. However, it’s a tremendous responsibility to help them help themselves, to encourage them to become more confident and to take responsibility for their self-esteem and their happiness.

Don’t Confuse the Desire to Be Loved with the Desire to Be Needed

The basis of love lies in accepting others and encouraging others. The basis of need is dependency. The concept of encouraging one’s growth unselfishly is the opposite of being needed or encouraging one to need you. Too often we confuse our human desire to feel important, or to live a life that matters to others, with the desire to be needed.

Love or Insecurity

The concept of being needed takes the personal control over your own happiness and success right out of your life. It also suggests that others can take it away from you, creating the perfect breeding ground for relationship-killers such as insecurity, jealousy, manipulation and fear.

If you feel that you need someone in your life in such a way that it creates dependency and insecurity, I strongly recommend that you carefully reevaluate the relationship. This will serve as the first step toward building a stronger foundation, and a more loving, positive bond.

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